On saturday night I went out to dinner with two friends and a bunch of other people I don’t know. After we finished the pizza, the waiter picked up the plate and an olive fell in one girl’s cleavage, so I whisper playfully to the one I’d just met sitting next to me: “Pick it up with your teeth”, as if I was the girl. But everybody around me bursted into laughter. You see, I’m kind of deaf lately because of the allergies, so apparently I said it out loud, to everyone around me, including one girl’s boyfriend and, of course, the waiter. I couldn’t look at him anymore, poor guy. Maybe I should stop doing that kind of jokes… maybe not, it was funny after all.


Not all that glitters is gold

Today I heard one of the most unbelievable stories. Read it, it’s worth it, and it goes like this:

My family is friend with another family for as long as I can remember, let’s call them the Jacksons. Their two children are like cousins to me, and well of course, the parents like uncles. Very close ones, even closer than my real uncles.

Today I was finding out about some course that it’ll be given in my town, and my Mom told me that if I end up going and I see the teacher’s daughter there, I shouldn’t -by any means- say that she looks exactly like the Jackson’s daughter. To which, of course, I asked why (who wouldn’t?), and my Mom, told me, almost in my ear, that she and Mrs. Jackson’s sister (who by the way we are also very, very close with) believe that the girl is Mr. Jackson’s unrecognized daughter, that was conceived when this girl’s mother worked in Mr. Jackson’s store. IMAGINE my face, "whaaaaaatttt? you’re kidding Mom, you’re fucking kidding me, that’s not true" that’s all I said for like, five minutes. So as a prove, my dear mother made me look for the girl on facebook, and with Lord as my witness she looks EXACTLY like Mr. and Mrs. Jackson’s daughter. I think my jaw went through seven floors and back, and I’m still trying to believe it. She said that this girl’s mother never said a word about who her real father is. To anyone.

But, hold your breath, this doesn’t end up here. You think this was such a simple story? Turns ooouut (white girl trash talk voice on) Mr. Jackson had green light on the cheating thing because Mrs. Jackson tried to run away with an old boyfriend when the children were young, but the lover never showed up, and she had to go back to Mr. Jackson and their two children.

Who needs soap operas when you live in such a small city.

Mr. and Mrs. Jackson are one of the most consolidates couples I know, their entire family is simply, lovely. And nobody knows with complete certain if this story is true (the unrecognized daughter one, the Mrs. Jackson’s one it’s well known -by every adult, of course-) I always, envied the way they support each other, and how interested in their children Mrs. Jackson is, and turns out she was willing to abandon them once, and they don’t even know about it. And if you go through this fatherless child’s photos you can see Mrs. Jackson comments saying she and her mother look very much alike. Come on, how fucked up is that? I think I’ll write a book about it.


When people I barely know start discussing about politics at a party:

Then they turn to me looking for approval:

No Sir…
You won’t drag me down there with you.

Can I tell you guys something funny?

Some woman came to the store today. I wasn’t there at the moment but, but, but my dad was, and this anonymous lady was actually a lover my dad had when he was dating my mom back in time (consequently, my mom’s archenemy). According to my sister, who was also there, this woman stood for a long while asking about things and making small talk (so to say, acting like she was really looking for something)

The funny thing is that, this lady is, as twisted as it sounds, the mother of the guy I wrote about once. Remember the time I told you about someone who cheated on his girlfriend with me? well, the same guy.

Life gets pretty creative sometimes.


Do you know the story of the Russian cosmonaut?

So the cosmonaut—he’s the first man ever to go into space. He goes up in this big spaceship but the inhabitable part of it is very small.

He has this portal window and he sees the curvature of the earth. For the first time. The first man to ever look at the planet he’s from. And he’s lost in that moment. And all of a sudden, this strange ticking…is coming out of the dashboard. He rips out the control panel, and he tries to find this sound. To stop this sound. He can’t find it. He can’t stop it. It keeps going.

A few hours into it feels like torture. A few days go by with this sound and he knows that this small sound will break him. He’ll lose his mind.

What’s he going to do? He’s up in space. Alone. In a space closet. He has 25 days left to go with this sound.

Well, the cosmonaut decides that the only way to save his sanity is to fall in love with this sound. So he closes his eyes and he goes into his imagination and then he opens his heart. He opens his eyes. He doesn’t hear ticking anymore. He hears music. 

And he spends the remainder of his time sailing through space in total bliss. In peace.

Don’t know why I’ve remembered this

When I was little my sister used to have this doll of a meter height, blue eyes, blonde hair, pink cheeks. It was pretty ugly because she once tried to wash her hair and it got all messy, kind of like a bad afro; and one of her eyes didn’t fully open. It was the most scary doll ever.

One night, and I remember this night like if it was yesterday, I was in my bed and the doll was in the oposite corner of me, and I couldn’t take my eyes away from it, so I closed my eyes for like two minutes and then opened them again to see what it was doing. In one of these moments, I swear it felt incredibly real, the doll went from looking at the door to looking at me (with its half closed eye). If I didn’t have a heart attack that night was because I instantly grabbed it and took it out of my bedroom. The next day I dismembered it and threw it into the swimming pool (with such a rage that it would have been a very funny thing to see).

A couple of months ago I gave it away, along with some other toys. Thanks God it’s not in my house any more. It wasn’t possesed or anything, I just hated it.


Is it just me?

Is a good game trying to remember something you thought you had forgotten. I play it when I can’t sleep at night, or sometimes it just happens when I see something that reminds me of it.

Today I told my sister a funny story about me and a policeman when I was around 5 years old. It was something that felt so true, but after I told her about it, it became blurry and now I’m doubting if that actually happened or I dreamt it. Am I the only one?

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